Tagged: batman

Every Batman Movie in Thirty Seconds

By Shawn

Every Other Protagonist: Christian Bale, this city is in trouble. What this city needs is a symbol.

Christian Bale: That symbol can only be me in a bat costume.

Other Protagonist: Have you thought about whether that’s really what this city needs?

Christian Bale: Not carefully, no. But that’s what I’m doing.

Other Protagonist: I have reservations about that, and will express concerns about your safety. But go ahead.

(Christian Bale does, and encounters setback.)

Christian Bale: I’ve encountered a setback, and now I’m not even sure I should be Batman.

Other Protagonist: I also have doubts about whether you should be Batman. AND here’s troubling information that affects the non-Batman parts of your life.

Christian Bale: Then I guess I have no choice but to be emo in exotic locations.

(Villain does evil things.)

Other Protagonist: Things got worse while you were being emo in the sands of/jungles of/waters of wherever-the-hell. In hindsight, I think you should probably be Batman.

Christian Bale: But I can’t be Batman. I have “I’m letting myself go” facial hair and I desperately need a training montage.

Other Protagonist: I think the real issue is that you haven’t confronted whatever’s stopping you from being Batman, which is probably linked to the issues that first made you decide to be Batman. Also, I still have doubts about whether you should be Batman. But you should be. Probably.

Christian Bale: This conversation is for whatever reason all the motivation I need to confront my fears and be Batman.

(Christian Bale defeats villain.)

Other Protagonist: Wow, you really beat the crap out of whomever. I guess it’s good that you’re Batman. Maybe.

Christian Bale: Yes, now certainly is an appropriate time for some vague reflections on the moral complexities of law enforcement/being Batman. But one thing’s for sure. After this, I’m definitely not going to be Batman again. Unless, of course, this scenario WERE TO REPEAT ITSELF EXACTLY OVER AND OVER AGAIN.