Category: Internet Stuff We Like

Another Reason Why I Love the Onion

By Ann

Happy MLK/inauguration day, ya’ll. Shawn and I just had a very productive playwriting weekend and are all written out at the moment. But that’s okay because, given my rants in the past about Cosmo, I couldn’t help resharing this delightful Onion article:

Investigation Finds Appalling Conditions in ‘Cosmopolitan’ Magazine’s Male-Pleasure Laboratory

http://www.theonion.com/articles/investigation-finds-appalling-conditions-in-cosmop,30869/

I don’t know about you, but when I read their sex tips, this is exactly what I envision.

Cures for the Election Blues

By Ann

election blues [ih-lek-shuhn blooz]:

  • noun;
  • a deeply distressed emotional state arising out of the modern process of selecting a person or persons for office by vote. This process frequently includes: eons of campaigning, meaningless grandstanding, nonstop media coverage equating to the ungodly omnipresence of both candidates in one’s brain, and frequent passive-aggressive debates with acquaintances via social media.

Or, more colloquially, you know that feeling you get when someone brings up the election for the seventeenth time in one day and you have the overwhelming urge to headbutt him into oblivion? Yeah, that’s the one.

“Election blues” seemed like a more polite way to phrase it. Also more succinct.

You may or may not be suffering from this at present. Seeing as Election Day is tomorrow, I’m guessing it’s likely. So, here are a couple quick Monday morning cures for your own election blues.

1. If you want to laugh at the concept of Mitt Romney:

2. If you want to laugh at the concept of Barack Obama:

3. If you’re completely burnt out on everything relating to the election:

Then to hell with it. Here’s a big picture of Stella wearing a burqa:

Hope that helps a little. Just try not to headbutt anyone today.

Happy Columbus Day

The following video has nothing to do with Columbus Day, except that it is awesome, and Columbus Day is also awesome. That’s a strong enough parallel for me!

Meanwhile, I’m working on a secret video of my own for you. I will tell you that it involves me (Ann), Katie, baking, beer, and a lot of confused yelling. Get excited.

Until the glorious day that I finish editing it, feast your eyes on this cinematic masterpiece:

Singapore and Mentos Want You to Have Babies

By Shawn

It recently came to my attention that, apparently, the government of Singapore is trying to get people to have more babies, so it started a campaign in partnership with Mentos to encourage its citizens to bang each other. Best of all, it even made a music video:

It’s worth contemplating how exactly something like this could ever come to exist.

Singapore Government Official #1: Gentleman, our country is experiencing an unprecedented demographic crisis. We’re far below the replacement rate, and if we don’t do something soon, we’ll have no way to fund our nation’s social safety net.

Government Official #2: It’s gonna take a lot of hard work on our part to turn this around.

Government Official #3: Yes, we’ll have to work very hard. OR… we could just turn the whole problem over to Mentos.

Government Official #1: Mentos? Why on earth would we get Mentos involved?

Government Official #3: Because they’re the freshmaker?

Government Official #1: Well, I’m convinced.

However it came about, I’m glad. This video is priceless.

Why We Left You, and 5 Things to Do Until We Come Back

By Ann

Dear Illustrious Reader,

You may have noticed that Shawn and I have been strangely quiet for the past month. Before we give you too many abandonment issues, I thought we’d better explain ourselves. So, where did we go?

I’ve been away in New York at publishing school, studying up on magazines, books, and how Amazon is ruining everyone’s publishing-related dreams. (Sike, it’ll be fine. …Probably.) The program is split into two sections. For the first three weeks, the assignment is to split into teams and create a fake magazine to launch. Then we have to present our blood, sweat, and tears to a panel of industry professionals who show up to laugh at our dreams, reality-TV style. This, at any rate, is what I imagined. So imagine my horror at being assigned as the art director for my news weekly magazine group. I spent three weeks frantically trying to become artsy. This involved a lot of swearing at Photoshop and ranting about fonts in my sleep. Fortunately, it paid off. The judges were charming and our team did very well. But it doesn’t end there. Oh, no, it never ends. For the last three weeks, the whole process starts over with books. So, here I am about to start Week 5 of the program. We’re in the book section now, creating a new imprint to launch. We’re literary fiction, and thankfully, I am no longer an art director. If I could handle that, I can handle anything.

I’ve had a few talks with Shawn while I’ve been up there. When I ask him how his work is going, his usual response goes something like this: GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

I take it that he is somewhat busy as well.

Going into this insane six-week period, Shawn and I had set out with high hopes. We knew we’d be busy, and we debated giving out the word that there might be fewer blog posts to expect. But no, we thought, surely there would be some free time. Surely, we’d find a way.

This optimism has proven itself to be sheer folly. It is reasonable to expect that for the last two weeks of madness-town (which is where I currently live) that there will not be many posts from us. But there is good news!

We will return! Soon and in full-force! Look for our usual activity to resume in mid-July. Until then, without further ado, I give you…

5 Things To Do Until We Come Back

1. Keep checking for the occasional new post. We may have a couple tricks up our sleeve.

2. Catch up on some of our all-time most popular posts:

3. Watch our video parodies on youtube:

4. Get your giggles by terrifying your loved ones with the following image:

5. If all else fails, play the following clip on repeat and cry:

Jayme’s Doodle and Spiders on Drugs

Written by Ann, Material Supplied by Jayme

Today’s Spider-related post comes courtesy of my friend, Jayme, who never fails to produce delightful and surreal material on any number of subjects. For more Jayme madness, visit his blog at http://metapodlove.blogspot.com/

First, a video he recommends:

And now a doodle that he “did many moons ago that has a spider in it.”

Now, I’m going to level with you, Jayme/the world, I have no idea where the spider is in this doodle. I actually have no idea what on earth this doodle is even supposed to be depicting. After several minutes of close scrutiny, my face pressed up to the screen, I discerned only the following possible narrative:

Once upon a time, there was an evil clown. He had a happy little pet crab. The little crab’s happiness filled the bitter clown’s heart with so much rage that he slapped it to pieces with his clawed hand and served it up with bacon and eggs for breakfast. The clown shared this breakfast with his equally bitter friends, Balloon-Head Man and Cap’n Hydra Hunchback. Unfortunately, Cap’n Hydra Hunchback was as bad at eating as he was at living, so he upchucked it all onto Balloon-Head Man’s outstretched hand. Then, no one was happy. The end.

So… that’s my best guess. Please let us know if anyone else has any other theories, preferably ones that actually include spiders.

 

P.S. Yes, Jayme, I did get the second video you also sent. I’m not reposting it because it was terrible, and no one should ever have to watch that. You already know that. You know what you did.