The other day, I saw a trailer for The Expendables 2, and I found my thoughts drifting fondly back to the first film. I don’t know how many of you saw The Expendables, but, basically, Sylvester Stallone wanted to pack as many action heroes as he possibly could into a single movie, and he managed to do so without even attempting to employ what screenwriters have traditionally considered a “plot.” Now, many parts of that film were rather implausible. But by far the most unrealistic part of the whole thing was the other actors pretending they could understand anything Sylvester Stallone was saying:
Jason Statham: Sylvester Stallone, we better blow that bridge.
Sylvester Stallone: Guhbuhbleg, uhbuhbubhbleg buhbubhbleg.
Jason Statham: Hahaha, that’s right, old friend. Exactly like that time in Nicaragua.
This gave me an idea. Why not make a film that brings together all the unintelligible action movie actors? I call it: The Incomprehensibles.
(Night. Two Russian Nazi-Muslims are standing guard outside a building that Sylvester Stallone needs to enter because who knows. They speak to one another in Geruskabic.)
Nazi-Muslim #1: Happy Murder-Ramadan, comrade.
Nazi-Muslim #2: Happy Murder-Ramadan to you as well.
Nazi-Muslim #1: It is a good thing that Sylvester Stallone cannot enter this facility, is it not?
Nazi-Muslim #2: Indeed. For without access to whatever is in this facility, he cannot stop … ZE PLANZ!
Nazi-Muslims #1 and #2: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
(Just then, from behind them, Sylvester Stallone emerges and knocks their heads together.)
Sylvester Stallone: Uhbuhbuhbleg, buhbuhbleg.
(He is immediately joined by Christian Bale as Batman.)
Christian Bale: GRUMBLEDY GRUMBLEDY GRUMBLE.
Sylvester Stallone: (nodding) Uhbuhblegblegbuhbluh!
(Not seeing a way into the building, they pause, only to be joined by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Brad Pitt as his Gypsy character from Snatch.)
Brad Pitt: Blartatar, ah-wahrtatar.
Sylvester Stallone: Uhbuhbleg!
Christian Bale: GRUMBLE-DEE GRUMBLE. GRUMBLE-DEE-DEE.
(Suddenly, the building’s main gate opens, to reveal Thomas Hardy as Bane.)
Bane: Germanydumblydoo, Batman! Germanydumblydoo!
Christian Bale: GRUMBLE! GRUMBLE-DEE-GRUMBLE!
Sylvester Stallone: Buhbleg!
And so on. It basically writes itself.