Harvard-International Waters

By Shawn

Recently, a number of universities have launched colleges overseas. And it seems to me that Harvard, one of our nation’s premier universities, can’t afford to be left behind. Now Harvard could just open up an affiliated college somewhere in the Middle East or Asia, but at this point, that’s been done. What I’d like to propose instead is taking the whole concept of an international school to the next level. To that end, I give you: Harvard-International Waters.

“A school in international waters? Shawn, that’s crazy.” Shut-up, it’s a great idea. And I’m so determined to see this happen that I’ve thrown together materials for the website. Here you go, Harvard! I won’t be upset if you just copy and paste.

HARVARD-INTERNATIONAL WATERS

VISION

Harvard-International Waters (HIW) is the world’s first truly international university. Erected upon abandoned oil rigs and situated far beyond the jurisdiction of any national government, HIW reimagines the collegiate experience in a learning environment utterly unconstrained by the rule of law. It thereby affords students an unparalleled set of living/learning/fearing opportunities.

HIW’s core goals are three:

  • Create a new model of liberal arts education, one that blatantly disregards established intellectual, legal, and moral constraints;
  • Cultivate the character traits and leadership skills students need to flourish in an environment of overwhelming despair; and
  • Observe faithfully the commands of University President Johan the Redbeard, so that we may continue to enjoy his brutal mercy.

HIW’s Founding Director, Steven Partridge:

“I first got involved in HIW because of its tremendous potential to bring together students from all over the world and challenge them to think in new ways. Though it has grown and changed considerably over the years, HIW continues to offer students a remarkably unique educational experience that prepares them for global citizenship in the 21st century.”

Current University President Johan the Redbeard, long may the Throne of Skulls be his:

“ARRHARHAR! ARRRRRRHARHARHARHAR!!! (sound of flamethrower and pursuant screams)

CURRICULUM

The premise of Harvard-International Water’s unique curriculum is that the advantages of a traditional liberal arts education can be applied in a lawless setting so as to encourage growth, innovation, and a stolid character forged on a crucible of pain. Boasting state of the art facilities (thanks to a generous endowment by crazed billionaires who regularly visit campus to hunt the greatest game of all: MAN), HIW encourages students to be always open to, and fascinated by, the vast and various, sometimes contradictory, realms of human experience: hence the university’s many unorthodox majors, such as piracy, squirrel-slapping, and organ-gambling.

Professomancer Mortimer Chillingworth:

“The laboratories here are state of the art. And ever since the Ethics Review Board was disbanded in the Great Purge, you’re free to try to beat God at His own game. Of course, that’s going to lead to the occasional zombie plague, but such is the price of science! Eee hee hee hee hee hee!”

Laura Hotchkiss, class of ’13:

“You really are able to work on whatever you want here. The bio kids actually had a sort of Jurassic Park thing going on for a while. But then that went bad. At least sometimes the pterodactyls fight the zombies. Mostly, though, they cooperate, and that keeps things pretty challenging from a survival standpoint.”

CAMPUS SAFETY

Safety on the college campus is a natural source of concern for parents, students, and university employees. Because education can only take place when every student and employee feels safe and secure, the office of campus security is open twenty-four hours a day. In addition, campus is policed regularly by the men-at-arms of Dean-Baron William the Bastard, and they will respond promptly to the phone calls of anyone envassaled to him.

Jacob Hendley, class of ’14:

“There’s only one bear, thank god, but some asshole taught him mixed martial arts. Because of stuff like that, it really pays to enserf yourself to the Dean-Baron.”

Dean-Baron William the Bastard:

“For but a modest share of thy crops, I shall keep thee from harm! Verily, he who sweareth fealty to me shall enjoy protection from all but the Redbeard. (growing quiet) None dare defy him. Glory to the Skull Throne; may Odin raise it high.”

Photo: Harvard-International Waters Quad

ATHLETICS

Harvard-International Waters is deeply committed to providing a well-rounded educational experience. For this reason, we encourage students to challenge themselves physically, to experience teamwork in action, and to enjoy HIW’s considerable athletic offerings.

Jesse Young, class of ’14:

“As far as athletics go, there’s always something going on in what used to be the gymnasium, but is really now more of a coliseum. And in general, I’ll say this: You don’t need to look for reasons to exercise here, because those reasons come looking for you at night. It’s above all at night that God closes His eyes to what happens here.”

Harvard-International Waters Fight Song:

“In ancient times, the students came,
Yea, freely and with joy they came,
But that was ere the present age,
Before the Redbeard’s reign.
Now Odin’s raised the Skull Throne high,
And blood demandeth he!
Hurrah! Hurrah! The battle’s joined!
Gods grant us victory!”

ADMISSIONS

In an effort to ensure that the student body is truly representative of the global population, the Harvard-International Waters Admissions Office has divided in the world into twelve “districts.” Each year, the Admissions Office will select children from each district by means of a random lottery. Note that HIW only permits admitted students to defer or decline enrollment if a suitable replacement volunteers.

Admissions Master Jack Bateman the Heartless:

“Students do not ‘apply’ to HIW. They are Chosen. And when they are foolish enough to try and hide… hahaha, what delicious pleasure my men take in the hunt!”

And there you go, Harvard. Also, if anyone from Columbia is reading this and is interested in promotional materials for Columbia-The Moon, please let me know.

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