A long time ago, I started dating a guy named David. I was pretty excited about this. Then I realized that David was insane. However, in the infinite wisdom of someone feeling bored and lonely, I continued to date him until the whole thing played out to its logical, depressing conclusion.
In the meantime, the dreams began. My subconscious began to actively parody the situation while I slept. Inspired by these dreams, I wrote the whole thing into a scene and produced some extra bits of dialogue. Sadly, some of the following is not much of an exaggeration. Until the day we turn it into a play, it lives on merely as…
The Adventures of Dream David
Ann arrives at a party at David’s house. She knocks at the front door, but no one answers. She pauses, deliberates, and then swings open the door.
Ann: …David? Hello?
Party continues, unconcerned. Ann steps into the living room, where a number of David’s roommates are playing cards.
Ann: Hey guys…
Tommy: Oh, Ann’s here. I guess that means David’s coming later.
Ann: What do you mean? Isn’t he already here?
Ann: But he lives here.
Tommy: Yeah, but he’s not here.
Ann: Oh, um, he invited me here to see him.
Tommy: Yeah, we figured he must have invited you. You know, ‘cause you’re not really friends with us, so it’s not like we would have.
Ann: Heh, heh, yeah… Do you know where he is?
Tommy: Who knows? Maybe at his parents’ house. You could drive over there. Or, I mean, you could stay here. But it’s not like we’re your friends or anything.
Ann: Yeah, got it, thanks, Tommy. Maybe I’ll just call him. I’m sure he’s on his way.
Ann steps into hallway and dials David’s number. No answer. Ann tries again. Once more, no answer.
Ann: Goddammit, David.
With a sigh, Ann leaves David’s house, gets back in her car, and drives over to David’s parents’ house. Once there, she steps out of the car, slams the door, and storms up to the front porch.
Ann: (pounding on the front door) Hello? David?
The door swings open immediately to reveal David.
David: (casually) Hey, what’s up?
Ann: What the hell, man?! I thought you told me to meet you at your house!
David: Yeah, I did. I was just gonna head over in a bit.
Ann: In a bit? You told me to come over at 10; it’s 1 am!
David: Is it? Oh, yeah, I guess I knew that.
Ann notices the almost empty bottle of whiskey in David’s hand.
Ann: Are you… are you drunk right now?
David: I don’t know, maybe a little. I had a couple bottles of whiskey. (Polishes off the last swig and tosses the bottle out of sight)
Ann: A couple of bottles?
David: Yeah, I got some more in the other room. You want one?
Ann: Do I want a bottle of whiskey?!
Ann: No, I don’t want a bottle of whiskey!
David: Okay, I was just being polite. If you don’t want it, I might have another one before we head out.
Ann: Head out?
David: Yeah, to the party. You still wanna go, right?
Ann: I… I guess…
David: Okay, cool. Let me just grab another bottle.
David turns to go, then stops and grabs Ann’s hand.
David: Oh, hey, listen… Do you want to make out later?
Ann: I, um, I don’t know how I feel about that anymore, David.
David: Yeah, I don’t know how I feel about it either. I was just checking.
Ann: Wait, are you saying you want to make out or you don’t want to make out?
David: I do. But also I don’t. You know?
Ann: No. What are you talking about?
David: Look, all I know is that I want to spend time with you.
Ann: All right, then let’s just start there and—
David: But also, I want to make out.
Ann: I thought you said you didn’t want to make out.
David: That’s not what I’m saying. It’s just that I don’t want to touch you.
Ann: You’re holding my hand right now.
David: I know. It’s making me really uncomfortable.
Ann: But you’re the one who initiated it!
David: Of course I did. But it’s freaking me out that it’s still happening. It’s like you have a crush on me or something. But I don’t think of us that way, you know? See, in my mind, we’re just dating.
Ann: Can we please just go to this party?
David: Okay. But I think we’d better just go as friends.
Ann: I thought you wanted to make out!
David: Yeah. I do. But as friends.
Ann: I don’t know what that means.
David: It’s not that complicated, Ann. All I’m saying is that I think we should be friends who go on dates and make out.
Ann: I thought that’s what we were doing!
David: No, that’s what I was doing. But I think maybe you like me. And I don’t like you. I just want to date you. As a friend.
Ann: Fine, whatever. Can we please just get out of here?
David: Sure. I’m driving!
Ann: What?! No, you’re not! You just drank two bottles of whiskey!
Ann: You’ll kill us both!
David: Are you saying we have trust issues?
Ann: Trust issues?! I just don’t want to die!
David: Well, if you don’t want to go, we could always just hang out here and talk some more about our trust issues.
Ann: You’re driving. Let’s go.
David: It’s just like… now you expect all this stuff from me. Like, when you call me, it’s like, you want me to answer or call you back. Or, like, when I invite you somewhere, you expect me to be there. And that’s just a level of commitment I don’t feel comfortable with. It’s like, I’m here (holding his hand at a normal level), and you’re way up here (holding his hand high above his head).
Ann: I’m pretty sure those are basic human courtesies, David.
David: Yeah, maybe if you’re married.
Ann: I really wish you hadn’t thrown up on me on the way over here.
David: It’s not always about your needs, Ann.
Ann: It never seems to be. It’s just that I feel like you probably could have turned the other way. I mean, you had the window down and everything, we were at a light… Why would you turn away from the open window and deliberately face in my direction?
David: Oh, Ann, why does anyone do anything? We could play this game all day.
Ann: Well, can I at least go use your shower a minute so I can get it out of my hair?
David: No, I feel like that would be weird for me.
Ann: Okay, or I could use the sink.
David: I’d feel more comfortable if you’d just use this old napkin.
David: I know that I’ve had some problems with girls in the past, but things are different with you.
Ann: They are?
David: Are they?
Ann: Are they?
David: You tell me.
Ann: What does that mean?
David: Nothing. …And everything.