How My Id Persuades Me to Do Stupid Things, Part II

By Shawn

(Link to Part I.)

Shawn: Wow, this NPR article says McDonald’s has a secret menu, and apparently you can order a “Land, Sea, and Air” burger off it that’s a combination of a fish fillet, a chicken sandwich, and a quarter pounder. That is simply unholy.

Shawn’s Id: Hey. Guess what?

Shawn: Oh no. What?

Id: You’re going to eat that.

Shawn: Dude, come the hell on. This is what we’re talking about here:

Shawn: I’m not eating that.

Id: Yes you are. It’s going to be fantastic.

Shawn: Look, I don’t want to sound like I don’t appreciate all the work you put into trying to kill me, because I do. It’s really quite impressive. But there’s no way I’m eating a chicken fillet stacked on a fish fillet stacked on a hamburger.

Id: It would be an act of courage.

Shawn: No, it would be an act of gustatory nihilism. And I refuse to accept a culinary universe where all things are permitted.

Id: You’re looking at this all backwards.

Shawn: Please, do tell.

Id: Wouldn’t you agree that children need role models?

Shawn: What? Sure, I guess.

Id: And it’s good to be a role model for children if one can?

Shawn: I suppose.

Id: Athletes often make good role models for children.

Shawn: Some do.

Id: Now, with respect to most sports, you do not make a good athlete.

Shawn: Well…

Id: When you played Little League, you were lower in the batting order than the kid with Down Syndrome.

Shawn: To be fair to me, he got extra pitches.

Id: Still.

Shawn: Point granted.

Id: But competitive eating is a sport.

Shawn: Yes.

Id: And you have the metabolism of a cheetah on cocaine.

Shawn: I do.

Id: So you’re uniquely qualified to eat tons of disgusting crap.

Shawn: True.

Id: Which we said is a form of athletic prowess.

Shawn: We did.

Id: Which we said children look up to.

Shawn: Right.

Id: Which we said is the closest you’ll ever come to being a role model.

Shawn: Admittedly.

Id: Which you granted you ought to do.

Shawn: I did.

Id: Quod erat demonstrandum, bitch. Eat the sandwich.

Shawn: I mean, I guess if it’s for the children…

Id: Attaboy!

Shawn: … You do this because you hate me, don’t you?

Id: Maaaaybe.


  1. Allison

    So how was the sandwich? Did you finish the whole thing? What did it taste like? Was there any vomiting after?

    • siblingandcharybdis

      It was absolutely fantastic. Surprisingly, chicken, fish, and hamburger patties really balance each other out. I will say, however, that while I didn’t vomit, it did kind of make me want to die. — Shawn

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