(Link to Part I.)
Shawn: Wow, this NPR article says McDonald’s has a secret menu, and apparently you can order a “Land, Sea, and Air” burger off it that’s a combination of a fish fillet, a chicken sandwich, and a quarter pounder. That is simply unholy.
Shawn’s Id: Hey. Guess what?
Shawn: Oh no. What?
Id: You’re going to eat that.
Shawn: Dude, come the hell on. This is what we’re talking about here:
Shawn: I’m not eating that.
Id: Yes you are. It’s going to be fantastic.
Shawn: Look, I don’t want to sound like I don’t appreciate all the work you put into trying to kill me, because I do. It’s really quite impressive. But there’s no way I’m eating a chicken fillet stacked on a fish fillet stacked on a hamburger.
Id: It would be an act of courage.
Shawn: No, it would be an act of gustatory nihilism. And I refuse to accept a culinary universe where all things are permitted.
Id: You’re looking at this all backwards.
Shawn: Please, do tell.
Id: Wouldn’t you agree that children need role models?
Shawn: What? Sure, I guess.
Id: And it’s good to be a role model for children if one can?
Shawn: I suppose.
Id: Athletes often make good role models for children.
Shawn: Some do.
Id: Now, with respect to most sports, you do not make a good athlete.
Id: When you played Little League, you were lower in the batting order than the kid with Down Syndrome.
Shawn: To be fair to me, he got extra pitches.
Shawn: Point granted.
Id: But competitive eating is a sport.
Id: And you have the metabolism of a cheetah on cocaine.
Shawn: I do.
Id: So you’re uniquely qualified to eat tons of disgusting crap.
Id: Which we said is a form of athletic prowess.
Shawn: We did.
Id: Which we said children look up to.
Id: Which we said is the closest you’ll ever come to being a role model.
Id: Which you granted you ought to do.
Shawn: I did.
Id: Quod erat demonstrandum, bitch. Eat the sandwich.
Shawn: I mean, I guess if it’s for the children…
Shawn: … You do this because you hate me, don’t you?