I Hate My Mother’s Awful Goddamn Toaster

By Shawn

Right now, I’m on vacation, so I’m spending a few days visiting with family. My mother is a wonderful lady, and it’s always a pleasure to see her. And it’s because I love her that I’ve decided to stage an intervention. Mom, you need to hear this: Your toaster is fucking terrible.

Why is the toaster so terrible? Because any attempt to get it to do more than slightly warm something results in a thermonuclear holocaust. This, for example is what happened to my bagel this morning.

You. Dick.

I cannot stress how impossible it is to get the toaster not to do this. Great if you want Chernobyl-bread; not so good if you were hoping for something edible.

I have tried repeatedly to impress upon my mother how much her toaster blows. Still, she refuses to replace it. Her argument is that even though the toaster cannot toast anything, its other functions work fine. I don’t think we need to be so forgiving here. It’s called a “toaster”; that’s a hint that its purpose in life is to toast things. Regrettably, this is precisely the area in which it falls down on the job.

Regardless, my mother feels she can’t throw it out because it was a gift. Mom, I don’t think the person who gave it to you would be offended. Unless she hates you, she probably wants you to have a toaster that works. Also, I really don’t think she’s going to find out about this. She lives in a different state than you. How often does she call to check in on the toaster? And even if we lived in a world where people called other people to see how their appliances are doing, couldn’t you just lie? It’s not like she’s going to drive to your house just to have a little visit with the damn thing.

Just in case you’re worried that she’ll show up here and indignantly demand to know why you’ve replaced her toaster with something that doesn’t turn everything it touches into a smoldering ruin, I’ve got you covered.

There, see? We’ll just tell people it offed itself because it was tired of being shitty. We had nothing to do with it.

At this point, my mother will no doubt protest: “But I don’t feel like going through hassle of getting a new one.” Well, Mom, I’ve decided to save you the hassle. I’ve found you a well-reviewed toaster on Amazon with two day shipping. I will buy it for you. Please, just let me help you, and we can all move on.

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