Apparently, the newest cinematic trend is to adapt boardgames into films. There is, for example, going to be a movie version of Battleship, and also apparently an adaptation of Candyland starring Adam Sandler. Some might see this as a brutally stupid and lazy attempt to exploit the affections of present-day movie-goers for various things from their childhood. And that may be. But as a general rule, whenever American popular culture hits a new low, I think the best strategy is just to go all out with it. In that spirit, I’d like to suggest a few boardgame movie ideas I’d love to see made.
Big “Trouble” in Little Chinese Checkers – An evil Chinese guy turns Kim Catrall into a marble and Kurt Russel has to rescue her with the aid of the legendary Pop-O-Matic Bubble. (Extra points for this movie for getting two in one.)
Wes Andersen’s Sorry! – Being sent back to Start is just a chance to start again. Starring Jason Schwartzmen and Bill Murray as two pieces whose marriage isn’t working, with Owen Wilson as an insecure Advance Three Spaces card. (“How can I tell you where to go when I don’t know where I’m going myself?”)
Connect 4: Salvation – The red pieces and black pieces have been at war for decades, but the red pieces finally come up with a plan to get their enemies diagonally. Can a mysterious stranger help the black pieces stave off defeat? Starring Sam Worthington as a half-red, half-black piece with no memory or acting ability.
Mousetrap – Based on the Agatha Christie play, except the murderer is a lunatic who habitually dives into an empty tub.
Hungry Hungry Hunger Games – “Twelve districts. Four hippos. One survivor.”
Horton Hears a Guess Who? – An elephant thinks he’s discovered a tiny civilization, but identifying their mayor proves trickier than it seems; does he wear glasses or not? Starring Jim Carrey in every role.
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mastermind – Can Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet rekindle their tumultuous romance? Only if Jim Carrey can guess which four colored pegs will unlock their memories of one another. Starring Jim Carrey in every role, including Kate Winslet’s.