Haikus in Honor of Comcast

By Shawn

 

Hello, I need help.

My internet doesn’t work.

Right. Yes, I can hold.

 

Hi. Good, how are you?

Yes, my internet is out.

It’s been out all day.

 

Reset the router?

Okay, I’ll give it a try.

No, that didn’t do it.

 

Reset it again?

Okay, but I just did that.

Guess what? Still broken.

 

Which light do you mean?

At the top of the router?

Still orange like before.

 

I reset it twice.

We know now that does not help.

Any other thoughts?

 

It’s orange. It’s still orange.

It’s going to stay orange unless

you try something else.

 

I won’t reset it.

Third time is not the charm here.

Check things on your end.

 

Okay, fine, I’ll hold.

… Hi there. My account is what?

Why can’t you find it?

 

Huh? Transfer me where?

No, I’m in Connecticut.

My phone number’s just–

 

I’m on a cellphone.

It’s a Maryland number,

but I’m living here.

 

No, I’m not lying.

Yes, I have the same address.

I’d know if I moved.

 

Well, that’s pretty odd,

’cause you’ve been mailing me bills.

Ah, great, you’ve found it.

 

Still orange. You know why?

Because nothing has happened

here that would change that.

 

What? No, of course not.

I don’t have a spare router.

Why would I have that?

 

I WON’T RESET IT.

Please have a new idea,

I am begging you.

 

Oh, for the love of–

ORANGE. THE COLOR OF FAILURE.

TIME WON’T MAKE IT GREEN.

 

Okay, look, can you–

Can you send someone out here?

Yes, I would like that.

 

My address? But I–

I thought we just sorted that–

What? But… Fine, I’ll hold.

6 comments

    • siblingandcharybdis

      Fair point; I actually do pronounce it as though it were, but I realize OR-ange is probably both more common and more correct. Too lazy to edit it now. — Shawn (EDIT: Actually, I just checked this, and wiktionary has /ˈɔɹndʒ/ listed as an acceptable one syllable pronunciation. So at least I’m not entirely alone in saying it that way.)

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