Adventures in iPhoning

By Ann

Today, I’ve been reading about Siri, the awesomely creepy assistant programmed into the new iphone, who can talk to you and follow voice commands. Naturally, I’m endeavoring to create as intimate a relationship as possible with Siri to build up the terrifying illusion that my phone is a sentient robot who knows and understands my every wish.

Apple seems eager as ever to assist me in my mission. In my research, I discovered that you can tell Siri about your relationships with contacts in your phone to be able to say, “Call my brother,” for instance, instead of “Call Shawn.” Never mind the fact that it would clearly be more efficient just to say, “Call Shawn.” That is entirely beside the point.

So I tried to put Grant into my phone. Here’s how that went:

Siri: What can I help you with?

Ann: Siri, Grant is my boyfriend.

Siri: I’m not sure what you mean by, ‘France is my boyfriend.’

However, after I learned to annunciate, I soon discovered that I could abuse this feature wildly by plugging whatever the hell I wanted into the formula:

Name of Contact is my XXXXX.

Case in point:

Siri: What can I help you with?

Ann: Siri, Maia is my evil badger.

Siri: Do you want me to remember that Maia is your evil badger?

Ann: Oh, yes, please do.

Siri: Ok. I’ve added this relationship.

<Lists Maia as: Evil Badger: Maia.>

I’ve never been so happy.

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