Dear The Internet,
We’re writing this open letter to you because something happened recently that really baffled the crap out of us. First, a little background. As administrators of this blog, we’re privy to certain information about how people access it. (Though, no worries, readers, we can’t see who you are or anything.) For instance, some people link to it from Facebook and others find it by searching for various terms on Google.
When people find us through Google, we can see the search terms that led them to click on our site. Most of the time, they’re pretty innocuous things such as “sibling and charybdis,” or “same girl Shakespeare,” or “Sam Worthington.”
A little while ago, however, someone found our site by searching for the term “fuck panda.” You might recall that we do have a post entitled Fuck Pandas, which is a sensible, accurate rant about how useless pandas are, and this is what the person found. Still, we were a bit confused as to what they were looking for–
Shawn: So, did you notice that somebody found the site by searching for “fuck panda”? What do you think that was about?
Ann: I see two possibilities. One, they were searching for rants about pandas and forgot to type in the “s” . . .
Shawn: Or, two, they really were just searching for a fuck panda.
Ann: I don’t know what that is. I don’t want to know what that is.
Shawn: Whatever it is, it’s not a good thing. It’s not like, if we knew, we’d feel better.
Ann: I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. I’m sure they meant it to be plural.
Shawn: I don’t know, man. I just don’t know.
We were prepared to leave this mystery unsolved and simply move on with our lives. But then things took a disturbing turn. A few days later, someone found the blog with the search term: “no, a single fuck panda.”
Well, thank you for resolving our debate. You did not simply leave off the “s.” You really just want a single fuck panda. We’d like to make a few points in response.
First of all, we still don’t know what a fuck panda is. But whatever it is you’re trying to do here, we’re pretty sure God and the federal government would not approve.
Second, in light of your single-minded determination to obtain a fuck panda, we don’t know why you clicked on us again. You must have known from your previous visit that there are no fuck pandas for you here. We don’t condone this thing you’ve got going on, and we’re certainly not engaged in any fuck panda retail.
Third, “no, a single fuck panda” doesn’t make any sense as a search string. It only makes sense as a response to our conversation. So naturally, each of us initially assumed that the other was responsible for this. But here’s the thing: we weren’t. Neither of us did this. And what’s most baffling is that no one else was present for that conversation—no one overhead it.
This is the part where you need to explain yourself. How did you know? How did you do this? Why did you do this? And finally, our curiosity’s just gotten the better of us here—what the fuck is a fucking singular fuck panda, and why do people keep searching for it?!
With reluctant awe,
Ann and Shawn