Dorm Maintenance Problems

By Shawn

Several years ago, I was at school in England, and during my time there, I lived in one of the university’s grad dorms. This dorm evidently suffered from some serious maintenance problems, because we’d receive a constant barrage of e-mail updates about them, all in same matter-of-fact, semi-apologetic tone. This led me to write the following parody, which I thought I’d share.

Dear residents,

We have been informed that there is no hot water in the building. Please be patient, as we have called Maintenance to deal with the problem and will have the hot water restored as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Butler’s Wharf Administration

 

Dear residents,

We are aware that that there is still no hot water. Maintenance was unable to identify the cause, so we have called in outside contractors who will hopefully rectify the problem. We apologise for the inconvenience.

Sincerely,

Butler’s Wharf Administration

 

Dear residents,

It has come to our attention that, as a result of the repair work done by the outside contractors, there is now running hot water in flats 1-10, lukewarm water in flats 11-31, and no water whatsoever in flats 32-40. Maintenance will attempt to repair the problems caused by the contractors, and we will call in additional outside contractors should Maintenance not prove up to the task. In the interim, we would ask that the residents of flats 1-31 please allow the residents of flats 32-40 to make use of their showers. Should the shower queues prove too long, the Butler’s Wharf reception will be handing out moist towelettes. Again, we are sorry for any inconvenience.

Sincerely,

BW Admin.

 

Dear residents,

It would seem, as a result of the repair work performed by the second set of outside contractors, several pipes have exploded in flats 23-27, blowing gaping holes in the walls. For those residents who are now exposed to the elements, please be patient as we attempt to call in outside contractors who will build some sort of temporary structure to seal up the openings. In the interim, Maintenance has agreed to turn up the heating slightly in your flats, which admittedly will do little to protect you from the stinging, death-giving caress of the cold night air. We assure you that this inconvenience is temporary and will swiftly be dealt with.

Sincerely,

BW Admin.

 

Dear residents,

It has not escaped our notice that the outside contractors failed to completely repair the wall damage to flats 23-27, and, by blocking out the sun with scaffolding, have instead made the dining rooms of the affected flats ideal nesting grounds for giant bats. We know that, as of this time, a colony of giant bats has indeed taken up residence in flat 26 and that more are on the way. Maintenance is planning to bring in a group of ravenous polar bears to deal with the bats, so please rest assured that this situation will be rectified shortly.

In the interim, residents whose flats still have walls are cautioned to keep their windows closed at all times, as the bats have been known to fly in through open windows to feast on their screaming prey. That said, we would appreciate it if residents could keep their bloodcurdling shrieks down to a minimum. Butler’s Wharf is located in a residential neighbourhood and we have already received several complaints about the noise from the people living across the street.

Sincerely,

BW Admin.

 

Dear residents,

We are aware that the bats and polar bears have joined forces and have kidnapped the Prime Minister. He is currently being held in flat 34 along with several other officials, including the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Scotland Yard and the Ministry of Defence have been notified and a special operations unit is expected to make a daring rescue attempt shortly. Should they fail, outside contractors will be called in.

We have also received a letter signed by several prominent biologists who believe that the giant bats are evolving at an incredible pace as a result of prolonged exposure to our cleaning chemicals. It is likely that the bats will soon possess the ability to reason and possibly take on human form, à la the movie Screamers. Please bear in mind that the bats could be anyone, or anything, and trust no one.

Screamers, incidentally, will be shown in the common room at 8 PM for Sunday Film Night and we sincerely hope that those residents who are still alive will attend.

Sincerely,

BW Admin.

 

Deer resedents,

Plese com outsidd. Theer is no risin to bee afrid. The bats arr gon fur gud.

Sinserly,

Barry the Hu-mon

 

Dear residents,

Please disregard the previous e-mail as it was written by a giant bat. It was a long and grueling battle, but the special forces unit managed to drive out the Giant Bat-men and their polar bear allies once it was discovered that silver was their weakness. We here at Butler’s Wharf wish to once again to thank you all for your bravery and endurance throughout the siege, and wish to apologise once again for any inconvenience you may have experienced these past few days. We are still sifting through the wreckage of flats 19-36 and fishing out the bodies, so please be patient: we will confirm the death of your friends on a large bulletin board posted in the reception as soon as we know ourselves.

Incidentally, it has come to our attention that there is no longer any hot water in the building. Maintenance will be called in to deal with the problem shortly.

Sincerely,

BW Admin.

6 comments

  1. beegramme

    I think your dorm admins also run my apartment complex. “Please be aware that the water will be shut off for three days while we fiddle with the pipes for no reason. Also please someone tell the filthy man on the first floor that his roaches will soon affect you all. Thank you.”

  2. ryder

    I’ve lived in dorms/halls of residence since Fall 2007 – which is, frankly, too long – and this parody is (scarily) a bit too accurate to qualify as ‘parody’.

    • ryder

      We had pigeons and owls last year, actually, which are a bit larger than bats but probably smaller than evolved-bats-which-have-taken-on-human-form bats. This year it’s raccoons. And a cheeky little hedgehog, but nobody minds him.

      • siblingandcharybdis

        Wow, that’s getting to be a pretty sizable menagerie. I have to say though–maybe it’s a dysfunctional thought process, but the hedgehog counts as an active bonus in my book. -Ann

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