When I was young, I had a deep and abiding fascination with evil. I’m not sure exactly what the draw was; I was for the most part a nice kid. But boy did I love evil, and boy did I pick bad times to talk about it. Like, at a super-crowded Roy Rogers. That was so crowded we had to share a table. With two nuns.
Here’s how that went.
Mom: What, Shawn?
Shawn: Mom, do you believe in the Devil?
Mom: (wary glance at nuns) Um…
Shawn: Because I do.
Mom: Uh huh…
Shawn: If you sell your soul, he’ll make a deal with you.
Mom: (notices nuns are growing concerned) No, dear–
Shawn: I’m going to do it.
Mom: No you’re not.
Shawn: I’m going to sell my soul so I don’t have to go to school.
Mom: You’re not selling your soul.
Shawn: And then I’m going to take over the world.
Mom: (trying desperately to limit damage) Honey, you don’t really want to take over the world…
Shawn: Yes I do. Like the bad guy in the Care Bears movie.
Mom: I think maybe it was a mistake to let you watch that movie. I think maybe you learned the wrong lessons.
Shawn: The school library has a book on black magic. I’ve checked it out twelve times.
Mom: I didn’t know about that.
Shawn: Do you know what a pentagram is?
Mom: Let’s talk at home.
Shawn: You draw it in chalk, then you stand in the middle and pray to Satan.
Nuns: (clearly quite alarmed)
Mom: Don’t do that, sweetie.
Shawn: He’ll give you what you want…
Shawn: But you gotta have blood.
Mom: Oh please just eat your chicken.
No such luck, darling mother. No such luck. At least the nuns just got up and left before I finished explaining how I was gonna get the blood, because the plan was rather… involved. (On that note, Joey, I’m so sorry—why did you stay friends with me?)