Scenes from an Awkward Childhood #4: Satan

By Shawn

When I was young, I had a deep and abiding fascination with evil. I’m not sure exactly what the draw was; I was for the most part a nice kid. But boy did I love evil, and boy did I pick bad times to talk about it. Like, at a super-crowded Roy Rogers. That was so crowded we had to share a table. With two nuns.

Here’s how that went.

Shawn: Mom?

Mom: What, Shawn?

Shawn: Mom, do you believe in the Devil?

Mom: (wary glance at nuns) Um…

Shawn: Because I do.

Mom: Uh huh…

Shawn: If you sell your soul, he’ll make a deal with you.

Mom: (notices nuns are growing concerned) No, dear–

Shawn: I’m going to do it.

Mom: No you’re not.

Shawn: I’m going to sell my soul so I don’t have to go to school.

Mom: You’re not selling your soul.

Shawn: And then I’m going to take over the world.

Mom: (trying desperately to limit damage) Honey, you don’t really want to take over the world…

Shawn: Yes I do. Like the bad guy in the Care Bears movie.

Mom: I think maybe it was a mistake to let you watch that movie. I think maybe you learned the wrong lessons.

Shawn: The school library has a book on black magic. I’ve checked it out twelve times.

Mom: I didn’t know about that.

Shawn: Do you know what a pentagram is?

Mom: Let’s talk at home.

Shawn: You draw it in chalk, then you stand in the middle and pray to Satan.

Nuns: (clearly quite alarmed)

Mom: Don’t do that, sweetie.

Shawn: He’ll give you what you want…

Mom: No–

Shawn: But you gotta have blood.

Mom: Oh please just eat your chicken.

No such luck, darling mother. No such luck. At least the nuns just got up and left before I finished explaining how I was gonna get the blood, because the plan was rather… involved. (On that note, Joey, I’m so sorry—why did you stay friends with me?)

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