Now, as you may or may not recall, on Saturday I posted the first part of a terrible story in which I needlessly sought elaborate revenge upon my boyfriend because of a small prank he pulled on me. If you do not recall, I suggest catching yourself up to speed by reading: The Car, Part 1. Otherwise, boy, are you going to be confused by the second half of this story.
So, as you now definitely recall, where we left off, I had just entered Katie, Maia, and Shawn all into Grant’s phone, all listed as “The Car.”
Katie kicked off the texts again:
The Car (Katie): So how’s it going?
Grant: Sok. You?
The Car (Katie): Well, I kind of need an oil change. Other than that I’m good.
Grant: Ive heard sugar is a fantastic substance and much cheaper than oil. Im sure a few ounces would do wonders
The Car (Katie): Oh, you clever chap. I’m going to miss your little jokes when you’re dead.
Then Shawn joined in…
The Car (Shawn): Hey. Just a reminder. I’m still comin’ to kill you.
Grant: Oh i know – im working on my religion thing now
The Car (Shawn): No god can save you… from THE CAR.
Grant: Actually – distinctly remember hallowed ground being a weakness
of yours so …
The Car (Shawn): No, it’s just that cemeteries freak me out. My father died of
car-AIDS, and the funeral service kinda traumatized me.
Grant: Really shouldnt tell enemies a weakness. But thanks
The Car (Shawn): I mean, I’m getting over it. I’m in therapy.
Grant: So its cool if i told you im using his old battery to power my car.
The Car (Shawn): In that case, you’re probably gonna wanna check it for
car-AIDS. Because it probably has a raging case of car-AIDS.
Grant: Nah – he didnt have car aids. Thats just what he said was an
excuse to avoid some kid he had
The Car (Shawn): It’s kind of hard to believe, given how many car-hookers
passed through our house. Which was a garage. Because we’re cars.
Grant: Sounds like you had a difficult childhood. Did he get drunk and
hit you a lot?
The Car (Shawn): Yeah, but they were mostly minor fender-benders. Still, I got
a lot of anger. And I’m gonna take it out. On your intestines.
Grant: You threaten and threaten but like your father youre never around
The Car (Shawn): Or am I? Check your bathtub.
Grant: So im getting the idea that you like to kill things. Youd say
that is apt?
That night, Maia sent out an email to us explaining that she was “taking the night shift.” From 3:30-7:30 am, Maia sent out an ominous text full of honking noises every hour on the hour.
When Grant woke up, he and Maia had a short chat.
The Car (Maia): Enjoy your last days alive. I’m parked now, but hitting the road on the morrow, foolish human.
The Car (Maia): huh. huh. huhuhuhuhuh.
The Car (Maia): Getting hungry, hungry for your misery.
Grant: I’m good but thanks.
The Car (Maia): Your fate is immutable.
And then Katie returned:
The Car (Katie): MURDERTOWN.
Grant: Is that a holiday?
The Car (Katie): No, it’s a town, dumbass.
Grant: A town without holidays?
The Car (Katie): Shut up. I’m going to do wheelies on your grave.
Grant: Do you listen to the radio while you kill. I think you would like Holiday Road.
The Car (Katie): Ooh, what’s that?
Grant: It’s okay.
The Car (Katie): I’ve been listening to 97.1 lately but maybe I should check out holiday road. Mix it up.
Then, Shawn returned that afternoon and made everything a whole lot weirder. As Shawn put it, “Interestingly, Grant never responded to any of it…”
The Car (Shawn): VVRROOOM VRRRROOM! Don’t mind me, just revving my murder-engine.
The Car (Shawn): Did you know I consider murder an erotic activity?
The Car (Shawn): After I kill you, I’m going to undress you.
The Car (Shawn): Ooooooooooh yeeeeeeaaahhh.
The Car (Shawn): I believe in miracles… since you came along, you sexy thing
(sexy thing you)…
After that, Katie took a brief, mortified holiday from texting, now afraid that Grant, who still had no idea that there were three “The Car” entries in his phone, would think that she was murder-sexting him. But Shawn was not to be discouraged:
The Car (Shawn): Beep beep. Hey there. Do you want kids?
Grant: Having boy trouble car?
The Car (Shawn): Well, I’m late. For an oil change. Also, I’m pregnant.
Grant: Are those two events related?
The Car (Shawn): The mechanic had such supple hands…
Grant: Dont they always
The Car (Shawn): Still, it might be yours.
Grant: Bitch please you know i always put covers on the seats
The Car (Shawn): I told you, a bead cover isn’t safe!
Grant: Well just go back and get the mechanic to take care of it. Its cool
The Car (Shawn): So you expect me to get rid of it. Is that it?
Grant: Youre still young — youve only got 24000 miles on you. Other
chances will come your way. So to speak
The Car (Shawn): I guess you have a point. He’d have to grow up without a father.
The Car (Shawn): Because I’m going to kill you.
The texts continued for at least an entire month.
We even made a Facebook for it and sent Grant a friend request. Unsurprisingly, this request was promptly ignored.
Now, a month after The Car’s reign of terror has finally abated, he still doesn’t know the identity of The Car, or maybe even that there were three separate The Cars.
This blog post is how he’s finding out.
The good news, babe, is that it’s finally over.
OR IS IT?