Two months ago, my boyfriend stole my phone. He came over to my house, put my phone in his pocket, and carried it off into the night. I didn’t even notice until he sent me a Facebook message the next day informing me of his dastardly deed. True, I got the phone back later that day, but here’s the thing: if you start a prank war with me, it’s on, bucko. Because an elephant never forgets. Or FORGIVES.
Since that fateful night, I’d been looking for my opportunity to seize revenge. And then, the year 1977, along with director Elliot Silverstein, conspired to give me the beautiful gift of….
For anyone who doesn’t know, THE CAR, is a horror film in which a demon-possessed car drives around and runs people over for absolutely no reason. In case you were wondering, the title is not in all caps. I’m writing it in all caps to express my awestruck respect and adulation.
Here’s the tagline: “There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, no way to stop… THE CAR.”
If you want to be more impressed than you have ever been, watch this perfect trailer*:
You might think it’s starting to drag a little, but at 1:33, a sequence begins which culminates with the car crazily driving through a woman’s house in order to kill the shit out of her.
Anyway. Grant and I were bored one night and stumbled across this gem on Netflix. Needless to say, it was the best night of our young lives. It’s needless to say, because it totally wasn’t. But it was mildly entertaining. More importantly, it was exactly what I had been looking for.
I waited for days until he was foolish enough to leave me alone with his unguarded phone. Then I looked up my friend, Katie, in his contacts list and changed her ID to “The Car.”
And then the texts began to come in…
The Car (Katie): Beep beeeeep.
Grant: Well this is a confusing message
The Car (Katie): Comin’ to kill you!
Grant: So i know ann is involved but who is the phone – katie?
The Car (Katie): …? No, but seriously I’m gonna kill the shit out of you and everyone you love.
Grant: Well im outside so nows the time to strike
The Car (Katie): No, no. I’lll wait until you least expect it. And then you won’t even know it happened. Because you’ll be dead.
Grant: Makes sense. However im now in my car and ive played enough Mario kart to know you havent a chance
The Car (Katie): We shall see.
Grant: You still haven’t explained how you can text. I would think your tire fingers would make that impossible
The Car (Katie): I’m a fucking demon, Grant. I can do whatever the hell I want.
Grant: Oh you are a demon? That was unclear at the end. Your P.R. group is kinda lacking
The Car (Katie): Ugh, tell me about it. Don’t worry, I already drove them all off cliffs.
Grant: See that was your mistake. If you kill them they cant pimp you out
The only problem was that Grant was 90% sure that Katie was The Car. When I saw him that night, he attempted to get the truth out of me.
Grant: It has to be Katie.
Grant: It has to be. It’s not Shawn, is it?
Grant: It’s not Shawn. I guess it could be Maia. It is Maia?
Grant: It’s Katie.
Obviously this situation could not stand. So I did what any reasonable person what do. I stole his phone again, and added every person he guessed into his contact list as “The Car.” How did I know that they would all go along with it? Because I thank heaven every day that everyone I know and love is a maniac.
And then there were three.
Stayed tuned for Part 2 of Prank 1: THE CAR.