A Dialogue Between Me, My Bladder, and My Stupid Brain that’s Bad at Planning

By Shawn

SHAWN: Boy, I sure am enjoying this long drive up the I-95 corridor.

(Shawn’s BLADDER enters.)

BLADDER: Hey man.

SHAWN: Oh, hey my bladder.

BLADDER: Just wanted to give you a heads up. You might want to think about hitting a rest stop before you get stuck in traffic in New York.

SHAWN: That’s probably a good call. I’ll pull off at the next one I see.

(Shawn’s STUPID BRAIN enters.)

STUPID BRAIN: Not so fast!

SHAWN: Oh, hey, it’s my stupid brain that’s bad at planning.

STUPID BRAIN: You don’t need to get off at that rest stop. You can make it to the next one.

SHAWN: That’s true, I probably could.

BLADDER: I mean, you could, but it’s thirty miles away. Why don’t you just stop now?

STUPID BRAIN: Look, you’re gonna keep drinking water, right? That means waiting is more efficient.

SHAWN: A decisive and irrefutable point. You win this round.

(Thirty miles later.)

BLADDER: Alright, the next rest stop is coming up. You better pull over.

SHAWN: Yep, that’s the plan.

STUPID BRAIN: Hold on a second. It’s about noon now, right?

SHAWN: Yeah, so?

STUPID BRAIN: That means the rest stop’s gonna be crowded, and the line for gas is going to be really long. Why don’t you wait a little longer?

BLADDER: I think you’d probably regret that. Just go to the bathroom here, and get gas somewhere else if you really can’t wait in a line for five minutes.

STUPID BRAIN: Two separate stops?!? That could take an extra fifteen minutes.

BLADDER: What? Who cares?

SHAWN: No, the brain’s logic is flawless.

BLADDER: But this is the last rest stop before New York!

STUPID BRAIN: So? You can make it through New York.

BLADDER: Last time you got stuck in traffic for two hours!

STUPID BRAIN: If that had happened, I think we’d all remember it.

BLADDER: That just happened on the drive down.

STUPID BRAIN: Nah…

BLADDER: You said we could wait it out—

STUPID BRAIN: Nuh-uh.

BLADDER: —so we almost wound up peeing in a bottle—

STUPID BRAIN: Nope, nope, nope.

BLADDER: —and the only reason that didn’t happen was lingering concerns about sight-lines.

SHAWN: It seemed like truck drivers might be able to see the whole thing.

BLADDER: Exactly.

STUPID BRAIN: Okay, sure, but we didn’t wind up having to pee in that bottle. We made it just fine.

BLADDER: IT WAS HIDEOUS AGONY AND THE WHOLE THING COULD HAVE BEEN AVOIDED.

STUPID BRAIN: I don’t see how.

SHAWN: He has a point.

BLADDER: No he doesn’t!

SHAWN: Sure he does. We’ll just stop once we get through New York. It’ll be fine.

It wasn’t.

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