Scenes from an Awkward Childhood #2: “Potions”

By Shawn

When I was very young, I liked to mix various things around the house into “potions” and store them in jars we kept in the basement. Since at any given moment I was involved in a substantial number of scientific and thaumaturgical investigations, a lot of shelf space was going to this. This led to the following confrontation with my mother.

Mom: Shawn, honey, do you think we could throw away some of these potions?

Shawn: No, Mom, I need them.

Mom: Sweetie, you’ve got about thirty jars here. Aren’t there any that can go in the trash?

Shawn: No. I’m using all of them.

Mom: All of them? You’re using every single one?

Shawn: Yes. For my experiments.

Mom: Honey, what exactly are you doing with these?

Shawn: I feed them to Kelly.*

Mom: You feed them to the neighbor’s dog.

Shawn: Yes. Through the fence. She likes them.

Mom: Shawn.

Shawn: She likes them! I dip leaves in the potions, then I feed them to her. It makes her healthy!

Mom: Shawn—what exactly is in these potions?

Shawn: Baby powder. And glitter.

Mom: Oh no.

The fact that she made me throw them out was some bullshit, because the dog was fine. I will concede that I may have been mistaken about the medicinal benefits of my concoctions. Still, the bottom line was, I was perfectly happy feeding Kelly glitter-leaves, and she was perfectly happy having her insides bedazzled. It was a win/win arrangement.

* This was the dog’s actual name. Kelly, I know you can’t read this because you’re dead and illiterate, but dude, seriously, I am so sorry.

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