Happy Birthday, Shawn!!!

When I was a kid, I used to think it was really clever to go up to other kids in my class and tell them the first and only riddle I ever devised, assuming that they would be delighted and impressed by my cunning. Clearly, I was the second coming of the Sphinx and should be worshipped as such.

Yeah, here’s how that went:

Ann: Hey, you wanna hear a riddle?

Kid: Not really.

Ann: I have a brother who is older than me, and a brother who is younger than me. I only have one brother. How can this be?

Kid: Huh? Who cares?

Ann: Guess.

Kid: No.

Ann: Okay, I’ll tell you. He was born on leap year!!

Kid: … What’s leap year?

This was never how I’d imagined this interaction going, though it did seem to be the inevitable result. On the plus side, however, then we usually got into an informative discussion about February 29th and the eccentricities of the calendar. Eventually, I got tired of talking about the calendar and just gave up on it all together.

Nonetheless, Shawn, I want you to know that my foolhardy riddle was in honor of you. I like to think of it now as just one more way that your influence has made me socially unacceptable. Don’t believe me that it was all your fault? I have evidence:

Why I am the way I am.

Case closed.

HAPPY 7th/28th BIRTHDAY!

And as always, thanks for the memories/warping my young and impressionable mind.

How to Field Questions You Don’t Know the Answer to

By Shawn

Sometimes in academia you will be forced to answer questions you don’t know the answer to. Here are some techniques for dealing with this that I’ve seen used to great effect.

Technique #1: The Deeper Issues

Q: Could you explain this argument on page 3?
A: I’d love to. But I think your question is actually pointing us towards a much deeper set of issues, which I just happen to be more comfortable discussing.

Technique #2: The Larger Project

Q: It seems like you haven’t really said anything new or interesting about your topic.
A: Well, this is part of a larger project, obviously. Wait till you see the next chapter. Oh man, that chapter—just brace yourself.

Technique #3: The Out of Place Indeed

Q: Don’t you think a lot of people in your field would take issue with that claim?
A: Heh, indeed.
Q: That didn’t really address my–
A: Yes, yes, quite.

Technique #4: The Best Defense is a Good Offense

Q: Your work doesn’t really address some of the common concerns in the political economy literature.
A: At least it’s not hideous looking. Like your mom.

Technique #5: The We Don’t Really Disagree

Q: I think the implications of this are really problematic.
A: Actually, I don’t think we really disagree.
Q: I’m pretty sure we do.
A: No, I think we’re saying the same thing.
Q: We’re not.
A: Agree to disagree about the fact that we agree. Next question.

Technique #6: The Esoteric Reference

Q: I found that point a little obscure.
A: Yes, well, there’s a discussion in Lucretius that really clarifies things. For anyone with a passing familiarity with 18th century French architecture, that is.

Technique #7: The Meandering Anecdote

Q: I think it’s pretty hard to sustain your interpretation of Hobbes.
A: A funny story about Hobbes. He spent so many sleepless nights writing De Cive that he would habitually fall asleep in the bath until the overflowing water alerted the other members of the house. Is that true? Who knows. Next question.

Technique #8: The What, Do I Have to Do Everything?

Q: It would be great if you could say a little more about the implications of this.
A: Look, I’m not a historian. I’m not a sociologist. I don’t even have a GED. I’m just developing the notion of a framework for deriving the idea of a concept. Isn’t that enough?? What more do you animals want from me?!?

Pop Sonnets #4: Lady Gaga — Born This Way

By Shawn

It doth not matter if thou lovest him,
Or if thou lovest H-I-M so much,
A different love can never be a sin–
All’s well, ’cause baby thou wert birthed as such.
Be thou fair-skinned or be thou beige or Moorish,
Thou needst not hide thyself in deep regret.
I tell thee that thy love is most unwhorish–
God made thee thus and therefore thou art set.
Whoe’er thou lov’st, go make the two-backed beast;
I know the Deity would quite approve.
In all His creatures God above is pleased,
And made thee so that thou’dst get on thy groove.
The Lord doth love his children very much–
‘Tis evident, ’cause we were birthed as such.

A Day in the Life of a Sick Actor

By Ann

Last week I was sick. You know what bites? Being sick. You know what bites even more? Being sick and being an actor.

In order to drill lines for the awesome show I’m working on, I was trying Grant’s trick of recording the other characters’ lines that surround mine so that I’d later be able to play them and run my lines against them.

This, however, is what happens when you try to do it when you’re sick:

Line Drill

Mmm. Yeah. Just what I wanted to happen.

Boardgame Movies

By Shawn

Apparently, the newest cinematic trend is to adapt boardgames into films. There is, for example, going to be a movie version of Battleship, and also apparently an adaptation of Candyland starring Adam Sandler. Some might see this as a brutally stupid and lazy attempt to exploit the affections of present-day movie-goers for various things from their childhood. And that may be. But as a general rule, whenever American popular culture hits a new low, I think the best strategy is just to go all out with it. In that spirit, I’d like to suggest a few boardgame movie ideas I’d love to see made.

Big “Trouble” in Little Chinese Checkers – An evil Chinese guy turns Kim Catrall into a marble and Kurt Russel has to rescue her with the aid of the legendary Pop-O-Matic Bubble. (Extra points for this movie for getting two in one.)

Wes Andersen’s Sorry! – Being sent back to Start is just a chance to start again. Starring Jason Schwartzmen and Bill Murray as two pieces whose marriage isn’t working, with Owen Wilson as an insecure Advance Three Spaces card. (“How can I tell you where to go when I don’t know where I’m going myself?”)

Connect 4: Salvation – The red pieces and black pieces have been at war for decades, but the red pieces finally come up with a plan to get their enemies diagonally. Can a mysterious stranger help the black pieces stave off defeat? Starring Sam Worthington as a half-red, half-black piece with no memory or acting ability.

Mousetrap – Based on the Agatha Christie play, except the murderer is a lunatic who habitually dives into an empty tub.

Hungry Hungry Hunger Games – “Twelve districts. Four hippos. One survivor.”

Horton Hears a Guess Who? – An elephant thinks he’s discovered a tiny civilization, but identifying their mayor proves trickier than it seems; does he wear glasses or not? Starring Jim Carrey in every role.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mastermind – Can Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet rekindle their tumultuous romance? Only if Jim Carrey can guess which four colored pegs will unlock their memories of one another. Starring Jim Carrey in every role, including Kate Winslet’s.

Ann Leaves Darwin Speechless #9: A Gourmand’s Palate

Ann: This phone tastes like metal. ‘Cause it’s metal.

“Stand Up For America”

By Shawn

Shawn: I have a new short film idea.
Ann: Oh, God…
Shawn: The idea is, FDR goes to complete in the 1936 Olympics so that he can get a chance to assassinate Hitler. I call it: “Stand Up for America.” Get it? It works on a lot of levels. ‘Cause FDR–
Ann: –can’t stand, yes, I got it.
Shawn: I’m thinking that when FDR wins the pole vault competition and Hitler comes over to shake his hand, FDR should spear him through the chest and yell, “Hey Hitler! Looks like there’s nothing to fear but spear itself!”
Ann: You’re really unacceptable.

Confession time. In a fit of whatever the hell it is that makes me do these things, I did draft a screenplay for this. Here’s a sample.

FDR: Members of the cabinet, I have called this meeting today because I wanted to discuss a matter that concerns all of you. Hitler’s Germany grows in power every day, and it’s only a matter of time before the rest of the world suffers the consequences. I propose we stop the threat here and now before it’s too late.

SEC. WAR: Mr. President, the American people won’t support involvement in any European conflict, much less one we initiate!

FDR: I understand that, George. Which is why I’m going to take care of Hitler myself.

SEC. WAR: Mr. President . . . ?

FDR: My plan is to infiltrate the 1936 Olympics. They’re being held in Berlin in exactly one month, and Hitler will personally shake hands with all the gold medalists. That means all I have to do is win first place in the pole vault, and I’ll have a shot at taking him out.

SEC. WAR: Uhh . . . couldn’t we send someone else? Someone whose . . . um . . . legs work?

FDR: No, it has to be me. I couldn’t ask any other man to take that risk.  Which means I need to spend every second of every day between now and then training my body and mind to become the ultimate pole vaulting/killing machine. And you gentlemen are going to help me.

SEC. WAR: But Mr. President, you’ll be recognized! Hitler will see right through you!

FDR: (taking out mustache) Not if I don this clever disguise. With this gigantic mustache, Hitler is sure to take me for an Italian.

It pretty much keeps going downhill from there. This is why it’s important to listen to Ann sometimes.

Haikus in Honor of Comcast

By Shawn

 

Hello, I need help.

My internet doesn’t work.

Right. Yes, I can hold.

 

Hi. Good, how are you?

Yes, my internet is out.

It’s been out all day.

 

Reset the router?

Okay, I’ll give it a try.

No, that didn’t do it.

 

Reset it again?

Okay, but I just did that.

Guess what? Still broken.

 

Which light do you mean?

At the top of the router?

Still orange like before.

 

I reset it twice.

We know now that does not help.

Any other thoughts?

 

It’s orange. It’s still orange.

It’s going to stay orange unless

you try something else.

 

I won’t reset it.

Third time is not the charm here.

Check things on your end.

 

Okay, fine, I’ll hold.

… Hi there. My account is what?

Why can’t you find it?

 

Huh? Transfer me where?

No, I’m in Connecticut.

My phone number’s just–

 

I’m on a cellphone.

It’s a Maryland number,

but I’m living here.

 

No, I’m not lying.

Yes, I have the same address.

I’d know if I moved.

 

Well, that’s pretty odd,

’cause you’ve been mailing me bills.

Ah, great, you’ve found it.

 

Still orange. You know why?

Because nothing has happened

here that would change that.

 

What? No, of course not.

I don’t have a spare router.

Why would I have that?

 

I WON’T RESET IT.

Please have a new idea,

I am begging you.

 

Oh, for the love of–

ORANGE. THE COLOR OF FAILURE.

TIME WON’T MAKE IT GREEN.

 

Okay, look, can you–

Can you send someone out here?

Yes, I would like that.

 

My address? But I–

I thought we just sorted that–

What? But… Fine, I’ll hold.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

By Ann

On this very special Valentine’s Day, Shawn and I just wanted you to know…

You’re welcome.

Happy V-Day from Sibling and Charybdis! …And Nicolas Cage.

Pop Sonnets #3: LMFAO – Sexy and I Know It

By Shawn

Yea when I walk on by a maiden fair,
I feel her blushing gaze doth follow me,
And rest upon my ample derriere,
Which clad in an’mal print much tempteth she.
I’m in a Speedo tryin’ t’ tan my cheeks
And every passing lass is on me soon.
I know it is my codpiece that they seek,
For I have passion in my pantaloons.
O wench I bid thee look upon that body—
The normal rules of sexy it doth flout.
Aye, thou wilt quite agree it be not shoddy;
I’ll have thee know ’tis ’cause I oft work out.
I’m proud of my great rump and would fain show it.
I tell thee, maid, I’m comely and I know it.